香蕉视频在线观看-I order guacamole and margaritas, and wait for Busy Philipps in the back of a crowded Mexican restaurant in West Hollywood. I haven’t yet met the actress and author of the 2018 memoir This Will Only Hurt a Little, which I consumed in one sitting and loved for its witty “show, not tell” feminism. I’m eager to get her take on Fair Play, my systemized approach to renegotiating and rebalancing the domestic workload between couples. I was familiar with the narrative of her rocky marriage to screenwriter Marc Silverstein and how she’d often felt that the responsibility for raising their two daughters—Birdie, now 11, and Cricket, six—fell on her. But instead of dredging up the past, I was more interested in how they had improved their relationship. According to recent articles, Philipps had rescinded her request for a divorce. She and Silverstein had reconciled and were…happy.
香蕉视频在线观看-As a prompt to get her talking, I brought my research binder stuffed full of articles I’d collected on the subject of the “gendered division of labor.” I intentionally opened the binder to an article titled, “Invisible Work Is Killing Me and My Marriage.” Philipps enters the noisy taqueria in a bright floral sundress and colorful jewelry. As she sits down and reads the headline, she laughs. In her trademark style of laying it all on the table, she jokes, “Sounds familiar.”
中国色情-After taking a sip of her margarita, she leans forward. “You know what they say about divorce, right? In friend groups, divorce is a house of cards.” This piques my interest, given that a figurative card game couples play is at the core of Fair Play, in which “winning” keeps couples together.
香蕉视频在线观看-She continues, “In friend groups, if you’re all married, you have a silent agreement to be miserable together. And a lot of times the person who decides to leave is vilified in the group because you’ve upset the status quo. Like, ‘How dare you? We had a fucking agreement to be miserable.’ ”
中国色情-I quip, “God forbid you become a game changer in your marriage.”
野外性XXXXfreeXXXX-“Not according to the married friend group,” she says, sighing. “But here was the thing I kept saying to myself, I am not certain that I will ever be happy, but I know for certain I do not have to feel miserable all the time.”
野外性XXXXfreeXXXX-I share with her that many of the women I interviewed, even when unhappy, resist the idea of taking the lead in their marriages. “Why is this also ‘on me’ to ask for change?” is something I hear a lot.
a资源吧无限看-“Many women wait until it’s too late,” she says. “At that point their resentment is too high and their communication patterns are set.”
dyz第一站视频com-“That’s right,” I tell her. “And as one couples therapist told me, without one person initiating change and being the one who finally says, ‘I cannot live like this anymore,’ you’ll both stay stuck in the same old patterns that aren’t working. It’s like dumping wet laundry on your husband’s pillow when he forgets to put it in the dryer.”
野外性XXXXfreeXXXX-Philipps gives me a disbelieving look.
香蕉视频在线观看-“Trust me,” I say. “I’ve heard worse.”
野外性XXXXfreeXXXX-Known for an active, not passive, voice, Philipps spoke up in her marriage and made a powerful move: She played the divorce card. Perhaps creating two homes was a means of providing her some relief from doing it all in one home?
中国色情-She shrugs. “My thinking was that if I leave, at least then maybe I’d get two days off a week,” Philipps says, though she’s quick to acknowledge, “I understand that I’m in a place of privilege, and even if I left Marc and I’d been super down on my luck, there was a version of life that I could have made work for me and my daughters. This is not the reality for many women.”
dyz第一站视频com-But as Philipps discloses in her book, Silverstein fought against her walking away. She takes a bite of her carne asada taco and recounts, “Marc was like, ‘I’ll do anything.’ And I was like, ‘Okay, then do everything. Because I have done it all, all by myself, and I’m done, dude.’”
dyz第一站视频com-Rather than bring down their house of cards, he agreed, and together they began to rebalance their roles at home. “And he made the call: He should be the one to stay home with the kids.” Silverstein started supporting Philipps by taking over the morning and bedtime routines for Birdie, plus preparing both weekday and weekend meals. My research shows that these immovable grinds tend to fall disproportionately on women, so I inwardly applauded Silverstein for stepping up to the plate.
香蕉视频在线观看-“I was fully out the door,” Philipps remembers. “I wasn’t expecting anything from him, but what we ended up doing was creating our own system.”
a资源吧无限看-Philipps is speaking my language. And to her delight, Silverstein embraced the extra responsibility. He enjoyed doing more.
中国色情-“He now loves his mornings with the girls,” she says. “He’ll make my Bulletproof coffee and bring it into the bedroom while I’m still sleeping, and then leave to take the kids to school. He has conversations with them that I’m jealous of. The closeness he now has with these girls, it’s really special.”
香蕉视频在线观看-What Philipps described is 100 percent consistent with my interviews with hundreds of men. Those who reported feeling the most invested and happiest in their relationships are empowered by their partners to “own” aspects of domestic life and raising children.
dyz第一站视频com-“Can I be honest with you?” Philipps asks. “Sometimes I’ve wondered about Marc taking over Birdie’s bedtime. I’ve thought to myself, ‘Is this the right thing for her?’ But I’m not going to call him out on what I think is right or wrong because he’s doing it!”
中国色情-And then, as if on cue, Silverstein walks into the taqueria.
野外性XXXXfreeXXXX-“My ride,” she says, looking happy to see him and waving him over.
香蕉视频在线观看-After casual introductions, he takes a seat next to Philipps. Recognizing this as a golden opportunity to get his perspective on the gender divide, I jump right in. “We were just talking about how you’ve successfully taken over Birdie’s bedtime routine.”
中国色情-Silverstein smiles at Philipps.
dyz第一站视频com-“Do you want to add your two cents to the conversation?” I prod him.
dyz第一站视频com-Just like his wife, Silverstein is an open book and agrees that the public depiction of their difficult years is accurate. But why, I have to ask, did he leave Philipps to parent “alone” after the birth of their first daughter, as was widely reported in the press?
中国色情-“I like being good at stuff,” he replies. “And I didn’t feel like I was good [in the home], so I stayed away.”
中国色情-But Silverstein says that when he was confronted with the real possibility of losing his marriage, and after therapy, he had his aha moment. “I realized that deep happiness comes from my family,” he recounts. “And once I figured out what I could bring to the table, things changed. I wanted to do more.”
dyz第一站视频com-Silverstein explains that he and Philipps started communicating not only emotionally but also over actionable steps forward. “Once Busy said, ‘I need you to put Birdie to bed every night,’ I owned it. And I was good at that. I started with one thing and it grew from there.”
a资源吧无限看-“Today,” adds Philipps, “Marc literally spends so much time with the girls that they accidentally call me ‘Dad’ sometimes. Like when did that ever happen?”
香蕉视频在线观看-I chime in to support what they had intuitively done—that my research has found that couples thrive when they intentionally sit down to discuss who is better to own each household task based on individual preferences, capabilities, and availability.
中国色情-“[In a partnership], you have to decide what works for you,” Philipps says, becoming serious. “And you have to think about your children. I want everything for my girls, but the only way they’re going to believe it’s possible for them is if they see me have it.”
野外性XXXXfreeXXXX-And by having everything, Philipps doesn’t mean doing everything. Those days are over.
野外性XXXXfreeXXXX-We wrap up our interview by coming full circle: She and Silverstein are tired and ready to get home. They’d flown across the country that morning with their daughters.
中国色情-“We had a situation a while ago when we were vacationing and two of Birdie’s favorite stuffed animals were left at the hotel in Hawaii. This was on Marc,” Philipps asserts, “because he was the last one out of the room and I assumed he did ‘the Mom check.’ But of course he didn’t because I hadn’t told him about the Mom check, so I ended up calling the hotel and tracking them down in an industrial laundry facility that services all of Kona. And who knows what Birdie left behind this time,” she adds, turning to Silverstein with a smile. “She probably forgot her new blanket that we bought her in the airport.”
a资源吧无限看-“No, I got it,” he says with a calm confidence. “I put it in her carry-on before we got off the plane.”
香蕉视频在线观看-Philipps and I look at each other and say in tandem, “He did the Mom check!”
中国色情-By telling a story of how things used to be, I got to see how things are done today. Quite a dramatic reversal for a couple who’d been on the verge of getting a divorce.
香蕉视频在线观看-“We’ve built a new house of cards,” says Philipps. “One that stands.”
中国色情- Eve Rodsky’s Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live) is available now.
香蕉视频在线观看-GET THE LATEST ISSUE OF BAZAAR
野外性XXXXfreeXXXX- This article originally appears in the October 2019 issue of Harper's Bazaar, available on newsstands now.
香蕉视频在线观看-Hair: Kristin Heitkotter; Makeup: Kindra Mann; Manicures: Lisa Jachno; Production: Michael Kachuba for3Star Productions; Prop Styling: Jason Jensen.